sam chalmersDate Doctor open for business
April 3rd 2006 04:44
This site has now re-focused itself as a dating and adive mechanism for anyone seeking help and encouragement in the ever daunting world of relationships. I am here to be used - by you - to offer advice and tips on how to get dates, how to approach guys and girls, ideal first dates, what (and what not) to wear, and maybe even give you an insight in to what your date might be expecting from your rendevous. So don't be shy, all posts are completely anonymous and provide an easy way for you and others to access useful, simple and effective information. You may not think so, but I can guarantee you are not the only person with a zillion dating qualms and queries - most of us are riding the dating/relationship wave with no sense of direction. Datingadvice.com.au is your new helpful and exciting guide. So get curious GUYSand GIRLS and ask away!
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Comment by alanna
Comment by Jimbo
Media Blotch
Punk Rawk News
By the way, try using Size 2 in your blogs, makes it heaps easier to read.
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Comment by kate
So sorry I haven't written back (have been sick for ages so has been a very dull and disappointing Easter), but time to get back to blogging!
Thanks for your comments guys (and the font tip Jimbo). I definitely know your predicament Alanna - I'm sure I could ramble for hours about it - so I'll be getting right back to you
Comment by kate
I was exactly in your position in my first year of uni. I hadn’t really had a boyfriend besides a schoolies fling and met someone at a friend’s birthday party. We dated for six months in total (breaking up three times within that). At first he was very much into the relationship but I was indifferent so I ended it after two weeks. Then we got back together and the tables turned, when in the last few months our relationship appeared to be the last thing on his mind. But, being none the wiser, I went away and came back three weeks later with him waiting on my door step ready to end things again – for good. After our track record I didn’t believe it’d be definite but it was – and it took me a long, long time to get over him (time I now wished I’d spent much more wisely).
He was my first real boyfriend which is probably why it felt like he meant so much to me. It was like having him in my life was something new and something I liked. But I don’t think it was actually ‘him’ per se, but more the concept of a boyfriend or someone so close to me. I have the same problem with my best friend from high school – we were the closest of friends until things went bust after school and I still can’t help getting upset by both of those people I thought would always mean so much to me. When both these relationships disappeared so close together I tried to hang on to a friendship with my ex because he said he still really cared about me too. This is where time between a partnership and a friendship is essential. This is because you need time to sort out your personal feelings and distance yourself from you lingering emotions to decide whether he may have a place in your life – long-term. But sometimes it can simply boil down to the essence of the problem; if it’s unable to be resolved then maybe distance is best for your well-being and happiness in future relationships.
In all honestly I think it can work, even if mine didn’t. I mean there are zillions of reasons as to why it may or may not, like I said before. Ultimately he was a friend of a friend and when old friendships broke-down and our whole social scene changed I was pushed further out of the initial group so our contact became less and less. We probably would’ve been much better as friends than anything more, and didn’t start our relationship with a friendship background. It’s all very complex (you know: school ties, friends going out with exes, reputations, rumours) – it can all get too hard to handle and keep track off. So I skipped the dramatic, unnecessary bitchiness of school and started anew.
A huge factor is whether you are both ready to enter a new relationship with each other – a friendship. If you have broken up there is clearly a reason and before you can attempt being friends you first have to work out exactly what that problem is – and whether you both understand and are able to accept that you have to work it out and move past it. Basically, if the problem affected your dating relationship how can you expect to have a friendship with this guy when the issue still remains?
Weigh up how you feel now compared to when you and your ex were trying to be friends. Was it an effort – to the point where it took too much out of you or left you feeling more upset? Friendships require effort but on both sides; you shouldn’t have to use all your energies to ‘make’ them want to be your friend, even though it can feel like you’re the only one who can be bothered or the only one equipped to sway your ex’s feelings or priorities.
It’s a difficult question to find a fool-proof solution to. I think we’d all love this type of friendship to work if we really didn’t want to lose someone who was once so special and important to us. But it could just be a plea to hold on to something that has faded. You have to work out if it is really in your best interest, now that you hold different roles in each others’ lives. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Don’t be afraid to get hurt if things don’t pan out. I mean it sucks and you can feel terrible but as the saying goes “it’s not the end of the world” and things really do get better. Trust me, I didn’t believe it – I ignored everyone that tried to help me, the only person I wanted to listen to or talk to was my ex – but he was the only one not paying attention or caring. I definitely believe if you’re meant to be in someone’s life you will, and it’s up to you both to decide how big or small a part you want to be. Stick with what you feel you want Alanna, and what you feel is RIGHT FOR YOU most of all. It can take a while, but you’ll eventually feel happier for trying then wondering.
~ Katie x